Mad about Bridget

I wrote a couple of Bridget Jones’s style diaries about a month ago, yet I was writing as me to tell you about my holiday. (Links at bottom of page). I promised to also write the beginning (of what I think) the new Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy will be. (After doing a little research, I am dead excited that the book comes out next month; didn’t realise it was so soon!) We know that Bridget is older, still living in London and has a child by Daniel Cleaver! What about Mark Darcy? Still boy (or man obsessed) we assume, Bridget will have a male related packed diary. I am choosing for the ‘Mad about the boy’ notion to mean, her child. Her son.

Saturday 1st January  2013

New Year’s Resolutions

  • This year am not going to be selfish – as have a child to think about. Will be mother of year, doing educational games and thought provoking activities. Mothers will come round to learn my excellent parenting skills.
  • Stop smoking (after this last one of course – no one starts new year resolutions on first day of year!)
  • Stick to 1600 calories a day (start using My fitness Pal app – oh and figure out how to use said app)
  • Become techno savvy- using fitness app will lead to great world wide web Bridget genius and can be manager of Twitter and Facebook… as well as becoming a top follower and can then work from home and become a millionaire….
  • Stop day dreaming. Much better use of time.
  • WILL NOT sleep with Daniel Cleaver again – does not matter that he is father of son. Never again.
  • If I do sleep with Daniel… will use contraception – as now know what happens as result!
  • Will be perfect daughter and friend  – all will come to me for brilliant advice and shoulder to cry on (hope said shoulder isn’t covered in baby spit at time)

Calories 4000 – had soak up booze and being honest as some still be in system. Times glared at Vile Richard, 47 (progress!), Times missed Damien, 2 – is good have time as being woman, not just mother. Facebook messages, 13 wall posts – feel popular with new year messages (must reply tomorrow!), Twitter followers, 24. (v.g).

11.00am at home

Took little nap after wrote the resolutions. Needed to rest my hung-over head. Great party at Shazza’s last night to see in, what will be an amazing, new year. Jude and Vile Richard had yet another falling out. Not sure they will make it to end of year.. or maybe even February. Just because Jude wanted that second bottle of wine – must remind Jude of latest blog Women in Power as feel she being pushed about by the Vile Dick (not literally of course). I, on other hand was angel. Had 3 bloody Marys and 10 cigs. Oh and just the one champagne at midnight. And one after whilst fireworks went off. Oh and the shots for the I have never game we played. But not as much of a hangover as other years. Great progress. Must be growing up. Shit! Am late to pick up Damien! Am terrible mother…must go!

2pm home again

Was good of Mum and Dad to have Damien. Me and Daniel have been taking it in turns to have him for important holidays and weekends etc. but we both had fabulous parties for New Year’s Eve so luckily grand parents to the rescue! They love him though and sometimes fear he prefers them to me. First word keeps popping out his mouth ‘Grr..’ so am thinking it’s for ‘Gran’ or ‘Granddad’ or perhaps ‘grrr’ in protest to me?! or ‘Grabbing breasts’ if takes after his father. Right. Am off to play with my son as then he may say ‘Mum’ before anything else. Or perhaps ‘mother ‘and be child genius. Will just check Facebook first.

Sunday 2nd January

Calories: 3000 at least – need more when lack of sleep! Twitter followers 34 (v.g progress), Facebook status updates 23 – not much else to do at 2am when child screaming! Cigarettes 7 (not good), Phone calls from father of son/ex/loser/, sex maniac 4.

10.00 am kitchen

Coffee. Needed this morning. Damien would not blurry stop crying last night. Feel terrible mother. He asleep now (just checked he wasn’t dead) and will leave him for while. Perhaps he has temperature. I would have if spent day and evening with my mother. Calpol should do trick. Will phone Daniel to get some. We agreed to have a grown-up relationship when comes to Damien and communicate and one will fetch things for other as both have very busy lives.

11.30am

Finally got through to Daniel and is in London. Says has double hang over from New Year’s party and won’t be back til tonight! Reminded him he has a son and has responsibilities and ill son at that. He sounded half asleep and heard mutterings of a woman. Hung up. Am mad. And lonely, single mother. Must get Calpol.

5.00pm

Ahh have great friends and family. And neighbours! Simon from upstairs went to chemist for me. Damien has slept a lot today but seems ok. Still no progress on ‘Mum’ though. Will have in depth teaching speech lesson when he better. Shazza popped round – and Jude actually, thought I think that was just to moan about Vile Richard. Mum and Dad also phoned too to see how I was and if sorted childcare for when back at work tomorrow. Said not heard off Daniel yet – as his mum sometimes has him Mondays. if not they agreed have him. Hurrah!

Me, Jude and Shazza have lovely afternoon anyway. With tea and Milk Tray and spent time looking at old school friends on Facebook. Hairy Harry has lost weight – not lost any hair though (well some off head)! Much fun. And gained another few Twitter followers. Yay! The girls also helped me set-up My Fitness Pal app and put in today’s calories. Milk Tray let me down. Will need do 3 hour walk to work it all off. Just don’t have time as single working mother. Will just  start tomorrow.

10.00pm in bed

Had a drunken phone call off Daniel. Said he couldn’t shake hangover so went for hair of dog. Says feels bad about Damien and promises be better Dad in future. Is going to get me stock of calpol. Agreed to this and his Mum is picking up Damien at 7am tomorrow so can get ready for work. Doh work. Being mother is big enough job. Do I have be TV journalist as well!?

Midnight

Had 3 more phone calls off Daniel. Think must have kept having more dog hair drinks. Says he loves me and should be a family. Says can’t stop thinking about me. Told him that he is a drunken sex maniac and only boy am mad about is our son. And hope he doesn’t inherit anything from him! Daniel then started crying on phone. Does he not understand that am working mother who does not have time for silly, emotional phone calls on a work night?!

XSXS

https://samanthagray9.wordpress.com/2013/08/11/samantha-gray-the-edge-of-cornwall-part-1/

https://samanthagray9.wordpress.com/2013/08/12/samantha-gray-the-edge-of-cornwall-part-2/

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Samantha Gray: The Edge of Cornwall Part 2

….continued.

Wednesday 7th August

Forts built 1, Forts destroyed by sea 1, fish found – at least 40, fish caught 0, cricket runs 1 (but got caught out mid-run!)

4 pm the house. Another fantastic beach day. We came well prepared today – you know all the usual stuff, buckets spades, cricket sets, books, chairs etc. Found some tiny fish in a pool. Me, Tessa and Paul tried to catch them with no avail. They were too damn small and moved too fast! Must remember a fishing net next time. Bloody good fun chasing them though. Like a trip back to childhood!

Another trip to childhood, well for me, was cricket. It took me back to dreaded P.E lessons and I was no better at the age of 27! I managed 1 cricket run – the one time I hit the ball – but I got caught out! Doh! Realised that at the grand age of 27, I didn’t have to endure a full hour of it like the P.E lessons at school. So, I gracefully bowed out, asking a 3 year old girl to take my place  – she seemed to have taken a shine to the ball and/or Kenny!

The lads also took a trip down memory lane – but how much do men grow up anyway?! Was great fun watching them build ‘Fort Swad’, building sand castles around it and a moat. Great watching them until the tide started to come in and me and Tahlee had to move the stuff each time it got closer – whilst men ‘strengthened defences’ haha. Never seen them move so fast! Some little boys, v. cute boys, said ‘are you building that so you can stay dry inside it?’ Ahhhh….

12 midnight bedroom. Great chilled evening with the gang. Cheese board and a film. Yes, we are in twenties But is good to be mature sometimes especially after been kids all day. Night all.

Thursday 8th August

Men met with seven wives 0, cream teas eaten (the Cornish way) 1, times abandoned by friends 1, Times fainted in souvenir shops 0 (excellent!)

3pm in car Been to St. Ives and not seen a single man with seven wives! Much disappointment! Beautiful place though. Been to Cornwall many times and not been to this part before. Is gorgeous with lovely, lovely beaches and shops. Spent the morning with Kath and Neil walking round the lovely shops.  Bought quote plaque without fainting – always be thankful of small mercies! Also had yummy cream tea at quaint little café. Kath was asking if we were meant to put the jam or cream on first (onto scone) and v. passionate woman declared that when in Cornwall you put the jam on first. You put the cream on first if in Devon. Made sure we did it right as not nice to have angry Cornish folk throwing their scones at you.

Still bloody good, even if not the ‘best’!

Tessa, Paul and Kenny went kayaking whilst we were learning the history of cream teas. Bit of ‘man over board’ at times I think but otherwise they had a good time. Had lovely Cornish pasty, which we believed to be the ‘best in the world’, only to walk further down the road and see the sign for the ‘best pasty in the world’. Oops – still tasted bloody good though!

5pm the house well not too chuffed with friends (Neil, Kath and Kenny excluded). Went to Seal Sanctuary after – we were all meant to meet. We assumed the others were behind us in convoy car situation because we hadn’t waited for them in St. Ives car park (we thought they had gone – v. confusing situation!). Anyway, we got there and waited by Seal Sanctuary door – 10 minutes went by, 20, 30 – gutted to have missed the otters being fed as their my favourites but wanted be good friends and wait. It got to an hour  – we had been phoning but no phone signal. Typical. Finally hear off Paul with text saying ‘at the sea lions’. Fuming was not the word, they went inside without us and had started going round! Look for their cars in car park and couldn’t find them. Realised they were at some other seal sanctuary and kind of forgive them then (yet if they had waited outside then confusion would have been sorted sooner!). Decide to go back to house as once find them will be too late.

6pm the house Tahlee and Dan walk in. Don’t mention the whole being abandoned incident. Makes me little madder so I say ‘Where have you been then?’ I may not handle situations the best sometimes but I never ignore them – best to confront things straight away and head on I think. Turns out they went to same place we just couldn’t see their cars. They couldn’t wait to see otters and assumed we would meet them. Tessa and Paul walk in too by this point and whole gang are apologetic and realise all been mix up. Guess is one of the problems when go on holiday as a group. Kenny wasn’t so understanding though and kept going on about being ‘betrayed’ by friends ha! Had beers to cheer himself up and kept teasing them about not abandoning him again etc. V. funny actually as do not normally see Kenny like this and is me who is annoyed/unreasonable one. Made point to him though that if this is the worst he has been treated by friends then he is doing pretty well in life!

11pm the house Celebrated last night of holiday at local Chinese restaurant. Not very Cornwally or Piratey but was nearest place so handy. Worst Chinese meal I’ve had in all honesty. Was all you can eat buffet but nothing was labelled. Was probably eating dog or horse! Tomatoes and salad were next to jelly and desserts so ended up with piece of sweet corn in my gateau! Realised as well that had stain on my dress from Paul’s bike. Bent down to pick key up earlier and got black oil on me – in terms of the restaurant, I fitted right in! Not best day all in all but have to make best of things and laugh at self!

Friday 9th August – leaving day

Hours to get home 6.5, Backstreet Boys’ songs enjoyed  – at least 15, left over food calories from house – must be thousands (do these count as free calories?!) Luggage left behind 0 (Great progress for me! As left case, over-night bag and fold-up chair behind last time visited Cornwall!)

8.30 am. Crazy morning of packing and emptying house. Really didn’t want to leave beautiful house. Would owners noticed if I just stayed and refused to go home? Would be a good lodger! Funny how this is the earliest we’ve all been up and out all week – don’t understand how people willing to get up early to end holiday but not to enjoy the holiday? Guess we can’t all be early birds.

4pm home Was looong journey home. Too much traffic and just cars in general really. Great talking about the week though and best moments. Now back home, decided to go and stay at my Gran’s. We have builders in to do our heating system and bathroom and they aren’t as far ahead as hoped. Plastering and bath not fitting problems – eek. Can’t wait for all to be done and can have very first bath in my own home!

Yep, that’s a crazy week in the life of me! Quite enjoyed writing in a Bridget Jones’s style actually. Hope you enjoyed reading and now you have a lovely summary of holiday shenanigans! 🙂

P.s – we didn’t get revenge on the boys! Next time; watch this space! 😉

XSXS

Samantha Gray: The Edge of Cornwall Part 1

I have recently re-read Bridget Jones’s Diary and Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. I was a big fan when the books came out and was equally excited when the films came out (yet, I have realised how different the 2nd film is to the book after re-reading it years later!) I felt the urge to read them again as there is a third book and film in the pipeline and all ‘big pant’ wearing Bridget fans are probably just as eager as me! The idea was to write, what I thought the first chapter would be of the 3rd book, in the style of Bridget. I saw this idea in a Sunday magazine, where lots of writers have done just this. I still plan to do this – BUT, this post is a holiday diary about my recent holiday, written by me, as me but in the style of the Bridget Jones’s books.

 me bridget

Friday 2nd August

Cars to destination 3, Trains to destination 1 (London friend), CDs played in car 4. CDs that wouldn’t play in car 9 (no Britney Spears or Spice Girls for us grrrr!) Bags –  too many! Rooms in mansion 12, Potential Calories in car after food shop 2 million

12 noon. The house in Cornwall. Lovely journey really. Love my lovely friends. In our car there was me, Kenny and my friend, Kath. Lots of fun singing to silly songs and we met the rest of gang for a full English on the motorway (not actually on the road – but you know what I mean!) Service station prices are a complete rip off though! Calories consumed so far: must be over a 1000 (but now officially not counting as on holiday – hurrah!

House we are staying in is wonderful. 12 rooms which include 4 bedrooms, my dream kitchen and a hot tub! Wonder if me and Kenny could buy a house like that one day… mmmm. The girls did the first food shop when we arrived, which was v. amusing. We had to fit about 23 carrier bags in the car, plus 4 boxes of alcohol, luggage and our actual friend, Neil,  who we picked up from the station on route! With sea gull poo on the car too, we felt right at home in Cornwall.

12 midnight Great first night. Girls cooked dinner of pasta and salad – with beer and wine of course. The boys sat in hot tub whilst we cooked, seemed studying Feminism at Uni didn’t pay off mmmmm. Will make sure boys cook tomorrow. Lots of fun and drinks in hot tub after. Yippie.

Saturday 3rd August

Amount of sun burnt bodies 8/8, well-hung horses 1, weird food choice 1 (basil ice-cream – strangely nice!), amount of sand grains returned to house 3 million. Ice-creams consumed 1 (just me – we didn’t all share just 1!)

2pm The beach. Lovely day at the beach. Bit of a goose chase on the way though as had to find beach. Walked for miles, all 8 of us, round a potato field and many other fields! I was regretting wearing flip-flops for this façade but when we got to the beach it was all worth it. Massive waves for us to jump about in and gorgeous sun for us to sit in.  We then all had lunch by the beach – paninis and salad that kept flying about in the sea breeze. Kind of a side of sun burn with our meal, as well felt a bit sore as returned to the house.

3pm back at the house. Turns out the others, who took the scenic route back, saw a very well-hung horse! Photographic evidence was hilarious – you can take the girl out of swad….. talk about seeing the sights of Cornwall!

10.30pm Local restaurant. V. sophisticated meal out – made less so with our oohs and ouches and flinches at our sun burn! My red arm is on fire honestly. It is burning and could have cooked the boys’ steaks on. Ouch. Must remember lots of sun-cream tomorrow.

Sunday 4th August

Times fainted 1. Ambulances called 1, Paramedics 2, souvenirs bought 0, sun rays 0, calories consumed – oh thousands (need to keep strength up!)

8am the house. It’s raining. No need to worry about sun cream or getting burnt today. Doh.

4pm the house. Cannot believe what has just happened. Been a crappy day weather wise, so we have all done our own thing. The lads have hung out together and us girls decided to do some souvenir shopping in town – after a tea and cake of course! Love souvenir shopping! Unfortunately, we didn’t get that far. I fainted in the first shop. Sparked right out on the floor. Was reading quote signs as I collect them. Hadn’t been feeling great all day but put down to lack of sleep and sun stroke.

Ambulance was called and 2 paramedics did some tests on me. Friends were bloody brilliant. Turns out when they heard the crash they exclaimed, ‘Bet that’s Sam, being clumsy again!’ Know me so well They all dropped souvenirs and ran to my side. Tahlee, who is a nurse, gave her expertise first aid and Kath held my legs in air. Was like a dramatic scene out of a soap. Woman even offered close shop! Paramedics said I need go Doctors when return home but seemed fine from the tests. The choc cake I had had helped to raise my blood sugars – hurrah! Always knew choc cake would save my life one day!

Monday 5th August

Times fainted 0 (progress!), animals seen 24, Cornish pasties consumed 1, whales seen 0

11am the last/first house. Went to Land’s End today. Great day and we had a coffee in the ‘last’ (or first) house. Is sweet, as no one will let me go off on my own in case I faint again. Lovely friends. May get a bit annoying after a few days though, being the independent woman that I am! We all thought we saw a whale in the sea. V excited we were too! Lads found it hilarious when we realised was just a rock. I wasn’t convinced for a long while after as was sure it was moving. Mmmm.

5pm went to a little farm at Land’s End too – very cute guinea pigs, sheep, pigs, hens etc. Do love animals, as long as they don’t get too close or smell! We also went to a 4D cinema and was scary. Seat jerked aside and water sprayed in our faces as part of the films. Weird.

11pm Starting to feel back to normal now – as normal as I get anyway (hurrah!) Had some wine tonight and lovely BBQ in garden.

Tuesday 6th August

Mounts belonging to St. Michael seen 1, fish eaten by sea 1 (plus many chips!), dates with Kenny 1, man seen with Lidl tattoo (by friends in scary pirate themed club) 1

11pm the house Realised people of Penzance are weird. My friends saw a man with a lidl tattoo tonight, my first thought was ‘that can’t be real!’ But then I thought… why would you even buy a fake one?! There was a v. annoying woman on the causeway leading to St. Michael’s Mount too. Was on our way back to the shore and the tide had started coming in. She started shouting at everyone coming the other way ‘Don’t you know the tide is coming in?! You’ll get trapped!’ Felt most embarrassed for her, as there is a boat for people to catch back. Ha!

The mount was good, seen it before but always nice to see with friends. Was lot culture and old things. Great views, but had be careful not to faint, as is long way down. Had fish and chips on the beach after. V. good. Me and Kenny went on a date tonight, whilst the others went on  a mad, pirate night out. Date was good. Lovely cosmopolitan and Guinness at a local pub then a meal and a pirate related restaurant. Huge fish pie and Kenny gave me his mushrooms – hurrah! Another weird woman said to me ‘You look nice and feminine in that dress!’ Strange. Does she think I am a man in a girly dress?!

Seemed the others mainly had a good time…. Lidl tattoo and gay club people hitting on them aside. One the lads also took Kath’s duvet. She was not happy. May have something to do with us girls hiding the boys’ beer last night. Oops. Must think of suitable revenge.

To be continued……

XSXS